Texas Hold Yer Sides: The 10 Best Poker Jokes

I know that Poker is supposed to be a serious game, with serious poker faces. But you have to crack your face once in a while, otherwise people will think you have facial rigor mortis! Before we start I have to recall a game of poker I was playing at my flat with some friends, where one of them was clearly so the worse for wear, drink-wise, that her face was screwing up trying to work out just what the best hand she could make was. I couldn’t resist it- I said “Can I help?” she looked relieved and said “yes please!” and showed her hand to me! Boing! It was an Andy Murray (see below). I bet pot limit that you’ll laugh at some of these crackers…

1. Yesterday I played Poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and three people died.

2. Poker players online have a name for a certain type of hand. They call it the Anna Kournikova. It looks great, but never wins. There’s also the Andy Murray: looks bad, and never wins.

3. There are two rules you need to know to be any good at Poker: One- never tell everything you know…

4. What is the…difference between a prayer in a church and a prayer at the poker table?
At the poker table you really really mean it.

5. My dog plays Poker. Knows all the rules, but never wins big-time. Trouble is he wags his tail every time he gets a good hand and everyone else folds! Woof Woof!

6. I’m a Doctor. I got a call from my mates saying they desperately needed a fourth player for Poker. As I was going out the door to join them my wife said “where are you going?”. I said, I was going to attend an emergency, she said “is it serious?” I said yes, there are three doctors there already and they need a fourth!

7. A blonde woman…was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out. Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”

8. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to swear like as trooper while playing Bingo? Have the sweet little 80 year old lady at the next table shout “Bingo!”

9. What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog doesn’t whine all the time.

10. A man comes home from his weekly poker game. His nagging wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been- you’re gambling is getting worse and worse!”

“Sorry dear, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to get your things and leave.”

“What???! How did you manage that, you idiot?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”

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